Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My vagina just recognized that song.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
