I think scott just propositioned me for sex
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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