Sorry, I don't speak sober.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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