so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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