I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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