yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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