You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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