If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
