i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
