Im at strip club and am horny
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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