Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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