I want you more than these girls want KFC
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
