So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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