so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
