Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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