i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Boobs are out for the taking
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
