I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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