Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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