I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
