Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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