if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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