Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
