He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She bit a glass in half.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
