Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My feet surprised me
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