The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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