I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
