No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
