ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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