You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
