I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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