And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
