Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
