the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
