how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
