the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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