yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
