lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
