i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
