I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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