I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
