I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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