From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
These tits shall not be calmed
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
