mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
