I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
