If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
