Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I don't deserve a penis
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
