You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
