Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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