If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
