whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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