This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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